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Every Friday morning at 8:15 am I have my weekly therapy sessions. At 8:00 am, I am cursing myself for being such an idiot to book such early appointments and thinking to myself, why do I need this anyway? It’s been over six months of consistent weekly sessions. And yet after every session, I’m soContinue reading “Embracing the Trauma”

A sweet new year –  Something I’ve always prayed for, diligently swaying my body back and forth, fervently whispering my words Please god Save us – save him Save her Save my family Not us, don’t let this happen to us, inscribe them in the book of life, just for one year, i’ll wait tillContinue reading “A Sweet New Year”

I was anxious the whole week following up to the big trip. My first time back at my sister’s house for the Passover holiday since both my parents died. I would be staying in the room they always slept in, in the bed I knew as my mothers, sitting on the porch that was myContinue reading “Pesach 2022 / The Same Place without the Same People”

Dear Father,I was so angry at you for such a long time. How could you have treated me like that, when I just lost my mother?  But now I sit here and think, how could I have treated you like that, when you just lost everything?Your partner, your wife, your one and only love. YourContinue reading “Letters to my Loved Ones”

Based off this week’s prompt in The Mending Heart Project: Say Their Name. For my mother. Yehudis. Brilliant light, and warmth. I smell sugar and sweet, Freshly baked challah Soft chocolate and cinnamon babka. She loved baking. Chava. An open home to all. There was never an invite that got a no. Except when sheContinue reading “Yehudis Chava”

“The first few months will be hard but you’ll be okay because you have each other.” – my mother “What are you scared of, I left you a lot of sisters and brothers, everything you need.” – my father Caring for parents that are actively dying from sickness means having an open awareness of theirContinue reading “The Loneliness of Grief”

November 7th, 2021. My father passed away in Cornell Hospital while I was running on the sidewalks alongside the NYC marathon. People blew horns and cheered wildly as we got the call that he passed. They clapped and smiled and shouted as my father’s soul departed from his body. We were on the wrong sideContinue reading “The last of 2021 – Losing my Father and my Home”

Here’s a birthday hugand a birthday kiss,I’m sending to heaven. I’ll send it with your favorite flowerswith those chocolate mints you loveand a freshly squeezed orange juiceI’ll leave the cards at the gate,signed by all your eleven children. I’ll wrap the gifts in a cozy blanketpackage it just for you.I’ll send them with your favoriteContinue reading “Birthday Gifts”

When my college announced there would be no in-person graduations this year, I didn’t think I would care that much. But the official day came, and I was so devastated. I was devastated, angry, hurt, sad, and overly jealous. I was jealous of the students that had real graduations, the ones that had photos withContinue reading “Graduation Day”

I wanted to bring you flowers. If you were here, I would bring you flowers and a card. We would have went out to brunch, or maybe a dinner. Maybe you could have came to my apartment, I could have showed you around. I could have showed you all the new things I bought, tellContinue reading “Mother’s Day at the Cemetery”

We always think the first year is the hardest,And it most certainly is,Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing like those first holidaysThe shock, the fear, the tears that seem to never endThose moments when you think you will never be able to go more than three minutes without crying, That you’ll never be happy again,Continue reading “The “Second Year Holidays””

Often I can go five or even eight hours without thinking of you, And then I open a door to a closet and the smells slaps me in the face, rebuking me for forgetting of you for such a long amount of time. Suddenly, I can see your face and hear your voice again, asContinue reading “Good Morning Hugs”

Tonight is the Jewish holiday of Purim, and simultaneously the one-year mark of my mother’s passing. I remember shortly after she passed away I had big ideas of different ways of honoring her death, trying to make her proud, doing something special that would light up the world in her name. It turns out whatContinue reading “A Year of Grieving”