The Mending Word

The Mending Word – Part 1

Writings shared from the first session. Prompt: An Inventory of Being

I am Bonnie.
I am 32 years old.
New wrinkles creep up on my face (& soul) every day.
Some from my trips around the sun - most from the trauma of the last 6.5 months.
I have curly brown hair and almond shaped, hazel eyes that change color in the sun or with the color of my shirt.
I am 5’7 - almost 5’8 - which doesn’t matter to anyone but me and my LaDuca clad career.
I am a sister, an aunt, a niece and a friend.
I am a daughter..was? A daughter?
I am an empath, a giver, a teacher and a leader.
I am willful, spiritual and helpful.
I can be blunt and too transparent.
I’m usually aware when my mouth moves faster than my mind and heart.
I love moving my body.
I love music and wine.
I love the idea of reconnecting to all of the other things I enjoy that I’ve lost sight of while trying to stay afloat in the murky, black water that is my life. 
I long for the before.
Right now, I dream.
Not at night - those don’t happen anymore - or right now, anyway. 
I dream of the days ahead where I feel like the person people seem to know from the past.
I think I knew her, too.
Whoever I am now feels like a total stranger.
Sad, deep, a little dark. Older and angrier…and rightfully so.
I want to heal, to be peaceful.
I want to feel freer and lighter.
I want to go back.
I tell people I don’t pray - total lie.
I pray daily - just in MY way.
I pray for answers, for my family and selfishly for myself.
I pray for guidance in the “new.”
The new blurry and unforeseen future.
The life I thought I would know has drastically changed.
What could even come next?
I’m Bonnie.
It’s 2022.
I am Michal.
I am 24 years old, 
but only according to the hebrew calendar. 
I am a sister, a niece, a cousin, 
a friend, and a colleague,
but no longer a daughter
or a granddaughter.
I am an adult, but I just want to 
be a child.
I have blue eyes and short brown hair.
I used to wear it long, 
because my mom liked it that way 
but she's gone now.
I am a worker, and no longer a student
but I think I'll have to become one 
again soon.
I love sweets and coffee made of milk
but I'm scared of cancer.
Sometimes I don't want to keep living
but the thought of dying scares me more.
I wish I didn't believe in G-d,
it would maybe hurt less
but I can't help still putting my
faith in Him.
I like cozy places filled with warm lighting.
I love all Jewish holidays
I do best when I'm stressed but I could never relax.
I am scared to lose more of the ones I love
but I know that it will happen.
I yearn for a partner but I hate dating and meeting new people and explaining why I am the way I am.
I have a hard time finding the right words
to catch my thoughts but I write anyway.
I love watching TV but stress about the time
I've wasted hours after.
I've always wanted to be a psychiatrist
or a psychologist
but I have too many problems of my own
and not enough space for others.
I want to travel the whole world
but I know I'll never find home again.
Leaving is fun, but coming back always hurts more.
I used to be so much and now I feel so little.
I lost my two best friends
and constantly ache for them.
I love fountain soda and large popcorn
I hate pickles and romaine lettuce
I love daydreaming and I hate drinking water
I’m constantly tired but I cant stop running
I’m scared to fall in love and have my heart break again 
I know I will always have myself
and I’m trying to love me more
I need goals and plans or I’ll stay in bed and never get out
I’m full of responsibility and anxiety
and a deep sadness
but also love and compassion and a yearning to do more.
My name is Michal
and this is 2022.
Finding myself, after.
who am I right (now)
that’s subject to change
I am an explorer, patiently waiting 
map in hand.
compass lost.
I've woken up confused, angry, lost, 
or unsettled for the last 
387 days or so..
blue moon content 
I am a daughter, sister, friend
but, then again it feels like I'm not 
I know I am trying my best
but, I wish it felt better in my bones
I love fiercely.
this I know.
I am proud of the connections
I have yet to make
because of your known absence 
I can feel the waters clearing
somedays. more now than (before)
I am moving to Oregon
to learn the native tongue of the streams 
perhaps your voice will be 
hidden in a riffle 
I am patient. I am kind. 
this I know. 
I am strong. I am 
Alicia April Meiser
even on the days it may not feel like
I'm not
This I am learning to know. 
- Alicia Meiser, @alicia_april 
I have blue eyes and brown hair.
I'm 5'2 on a good day.
I'm a friend, sister, wife and mother.
I work hard every day but some days I still
never feel good enough.
I try to eat healthy but somehow
sneak in the carbs and candy I want.
I love being a mother but cry almost every day I've never had
my mother on this journey.
I love being outdoors but am stuck in my office 9-5.
I believe in g-d but I'm not sure
I like him right now.
They say g-d only gives you what you can handle,
but what if that's not true?
Everyday I feel like the weight on my shoulders
gets heavier and heavier.
I miss being a daughter.
I miss having a father.
I miss having a mother.
I get sad and jealous of those who can call their mother for advice
sometimes that advice is as silly as what swaddle to buy.
other times it's more important and scary news; crying to myself at night
I love my husband. 
He drives me crazy but he's my best friend.
I try to to talk to him but I can see it in his eyes he doesn't know 
what to say. He has a mom. He has a dad.
I miss feeling normal.
I try to be a good friend but realize
I haven't been myself in two years.
I want to be the best version of myself but I'm broken.
I love watching TV and listening to music.
I love going on walks around the neighborhood with my husband
and daughter, pretending for a while that nothing is on my mind
and life is perfect.
I love being a mom, I wonder and doubt every day if I'm doing a good enough job,
but it's the best part of my life.
I like my coffee with milk and sugar.
I like my burritos with beans, rice and cheese; I always need all three.
I need my house to always be clean, my daughter doesn't always allow for that and I'm working on my OCD.
I like to dress comfortably but still want to look nice.
I obsess over every dollar and rarely spend it on myself.
I love to curl up with a blanket but then get too hot and swing one leg over.
I like to read books but always end up on my phone.
I hate to cook but love to clean.
I miss the "before" but don't want to lose "now."
The year is 2022
Though I’m not sure what that means
if it means anything at all
I am 26
I am a child
I am ancient
depending who you ask
depending on the day
I am
unsure of what I am
I like food but I forget to eat
I love sweets but only after midnight
if I could choose to die laughing, I would
I don’t like to clean
but I can fold a shirt like no one else
I’m scared of many things but only because I tell myself I am
I like to think I’m small but mighty
but sometimes that just feels like a plea
Too often my statements end with question marks
I like to use my imagination
but sometimes it hurts
I laugh about things days after they happen I speak loud and fast
how I was raised
I don’t really understand how bridges work but I sure do love bridges
 I think of worst case scenarios and yet I’m still surprised when they actually happen
I love to cook, but only for others
I want to love and be loved every day
I like cozy socks
I am very sensitive to lighting,
it really makes all the difference
I love to write but sometimes I feel like the words betray me for being too restrictive
 I curse too often
but I don’t trust people who never curse
I make a list at least once a day every day
I decided today that I might be an extrovert (I think)
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