The Mending Word

Do you know that song "I Hope You Dance?"
It starts with the words-- "I hope you never lose your sense of wonder."
The thing is… I've lost the "wonder".
The doe-eyed innocence.
The curiosity.
The intrigue.
There are no more surprises.
I don't wonder anymore because… I know.
I know what the darkness of losing your parents feels like.
It means losing out on milestones, on prom pictures and graduations.
It means losing out on "family" vacations because pieces of your family are missing.
It means losing your sense of safety in the world.
Losing confidence that you have what it takes to be here alone.
It means losing trust in hospitals and medical professionals.
Losing hope that someone can save you,
Losing faith in god and that "plan" people speak of.
Losing time you should have had for more front yard football throws, family swims and coffee chats.
Losing Christmas mornings and the moments your parents would have shined as grandparents.
Losing the opportunity for them to ever see you love or be loved.
Losing the opportunity for them to ever see you be a parent or hold your kids the way they could have.
I've lost the wonder because… I know the outcome.
On the other side of all… this… is just the end.
It all dissolves into moments that were and no longer are.
Even the ones that never got to happen.
Because you've lost it.
You've lost everything.
… what wonder?

• Bonnie Kelly, @bondooz